Sick and Tired

I suffered from post-natal depression after my second baby and it was the lowest point – and almost the end – of my life. What I didn’t realise at the time – what I only realised recently, in fact – was that the slow slide into depression began even before my pregnancy. I moved to a new country and felt isolated and alone, then I lost a baby and didn’t manage to process my grief before I got pregnant again.

Now, some background. My first pregnancy was a breeze. I puked once in the morning for only eight weeks and felt fantastic for the rest of the day. I was relaxed and happy, I ate like a horse, I went out, I exercised, I slept like a log. And I made the error of assuming my other pregnancies would be the same.

I had so much anxiety with my pregnancy with my second daughter. I was afraid of losing her like I lost my son, and then I would worry that I was worrying, because I read that stress increases the chance of miscarriage. I couldn’t sleep at night. And I was ill. So ill. I was being sick all day and through the night, too, from six weeks until the day I gave birth. One week it was so bad that I couldn’t even keep water down. I couldn’t go to work because I was retching every five minutes and so my husband drove me to the doctor. I could tell the doctor thought I was just being dramatic – even though I had to visit the bathroom three times during my appointment – but he did prescribe me some medicine usually given to chemotherapy patients. It didn’t stop the sickness, but after that I was only throwing up three or four times a day.

I now think I was suffering from a mild form of hyperemesis gravidarum. Nothing like Stephanie describes in her blog post Hyperemesis Gravidarum and I, which I discovered while I was writing this post, but enough that I think I should have been in hospital that week, not at home and delirious with a headache and a temperature because I couldn’t even drink water. And, of course, I was stressed about missing work.

I was definitely surprised by how difficult that pregnancy was. I guess, on some level, I felt my Supermum status had been revoked – instead of the young, happy, healthy pregnant girl I was the first time round, I was this gross, miserable mess. Also, the health system I used for my maternity arrangements, doctor’s appointments and check-ups was – for me – appalling to understand and navigate. Every time I visited the hospital or a public service, I’d either leave angry or in tears – often both. And it didn’t help that I was being punished for my pregnancy at work – I’m not being dramatic – my colleagues noticed, too.

It’s only now that I look back, I see that all these negative thoughts and feelings – so small and manageable by themselves – were building into a mountain that was ready to slip out from under my feet.

2 thoughts on “Sick and Tired

  1. Tanvir Kaur says:

    Depression and negative thoughts ruin our life’s!! You had fought bravely!! Great moral!! Always be positive and look forward by saying all will be good. Because our thoughts create the final result!!

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